My fiancé and I awaiting the start of Tetzlaff's
performance at Taft Theatre, in Cincinnati, OH.
Both a bit tipsy from our wine at the theatre, and with the final cadences of acclaimed violinist Christian Tetzlaff's performance still humming in our minds, we sleepily began to engage in the usual polite conversation one would expect from a Lyft passenger.
Our driver was Hassan, a kind and quiet gentleman, with a lovely yet not entirely recognizable accent. His quiet voice sounded like he had seen places and things far beyond my personal experience, and I was intrigued.
Beginning with the fairly customary "How long have you been driving this evening?" and "How long have you been with Lyft?" my fiancé largely carried on the pleasantries, as I drifted further from dazed sleepiness and closer to full-on slumber in the backseat of the Honda Accord. (Again, I blame the vino.)
"Where are you from, if you don't mind me asking?"
It was not the question that caught my attention, as I am always curious to learn the background of those with whom I interact, it fascinates me- whether the answer is Des Moines or Dubai, I am fairly certain I have quite a bit I can learn from nearly anyone I meet.
It was Hassan's answer- truly, the lack thereof- that piqued my interest.
Hassan paused for a moment, as if the question threw him off slightly, before responding,
"Everywhere."
But that can't be the case!
Well, when pressed for detail, Hassan began listing all the countries that he had called home, and he recited such a lengthy list that even my sober self would not have been able to absorb all of the information, I regretfully admit. Naturally, I was further intrigued.
While I generally respect individual privacy above all, and I rarely choose to press for details unless they are offered first, apparently my curiosity + wine is an awfully emboldening combination. I immediately wanted to learn more about Hassan's experiences in the US, especially in comparison with his global experiences, and to educate myself more fully regarding the experience of multicultural individuals in our nation.
My desire was selfish.
I didn't realize it at first, either, so if you are not in complete agreement just yet- keep reading.
 |
| ~ in vino veritas ~ |
Hassan was a marvelous fellow and a truly good sport, tolerating my (again, tipsy- that vino!) questions and continual probing for further details. I learned quite a bit from him in that 25 minute Lyft ride, for which I am incredibly grateful, as I feel he learned little to nothing from me.
(I do think I encouraged him to follow Kylie Jenner on Snapchat, though, so I was clearly on top of my intellectual game and not at all annoying, I'm sure.)
When we arrived at our apartment and said our goodbyes, I somehow came to my senses and realized that I had been, perhaps, just a bit too brazen with my unfettered curiosity.
So I apologized, genuinely, for asking what I deemed to be inappropriate questions that he should not have felt compelled to answer.
Again, Hassan was a terrific sport, so he accepted my apology with grace and we all shared mutually pleasant goodbyes.
Once we had stepped inside, my fiancé inquired as to why I had felt the need to apologize. He assured me that I had been eager, perhaps, but not rude or overly invasive. While my conscience appreciated the support, I still knew I had overstepped the appropriate bounds of social learning.
What ensued next was a 2+ hour conversation between the two of us regarding the nature of social learning vicariously through the experiences of others, specifically people of color. It was quite enlightening for us both, even in our tipsy state, and I might mention, part of the reason I can't wait to marry this man, who shares my passion for discussion and debate.
Inspired by our discussion, and the sources I viewed during it, I wish to present a practical guide for approaching social learning situations, again, especially when addressing and wishing to learn from people of color, who have had a much different experience here in the U.S. than have I.
So my question has always been: how can I, as an ally, learn and support without marginalizing members of minority groups?
From personal experience and some cursory research (citations linked below), here are just a few tips I have found that are helpful reminders when seeking knowledge via the experiences of others:
1. If you are not a part of the marginalized group, do not assume your voice is needed in communities. Allies are welcomed, but commandeering the discourse is not allyship, nor is it productive.
2. Listen much more than you speak. (This one is difficult for me especially, as I am curious, talkative, and I tend to ask many questions, but it is certainly worth improving upon.)
3. Do not discuss issues in the binary, as this is the core of an intersectional philosophy. Race is not rendered merely in terms of black/white, sexism is not merely male/female, ableism is not merely able-bodied/disabled, etc. There are varying degrees of any experience, and most people experience more than one, isolated identity.
All divisions of people are somewhat arbitrary, and thus any singular "group" is necessarily non-homogeneous in nature.
4. In line with point #3, yet slightly nuanced (and perhaps the most important tidbit of all): It is never appropriate to treat a member of a marginalized group, or of multiple marginalized groups, as a spokesperson for their collective experience.
While it is so important to ask, to learn, and to be curious, I remind myself that, when I am seeking to expand my cultural knowledge, getting to know the individual is the most important thing.
Ultimately, maintaining a people-centered approach to social learning is important and something I endeavor to do always, in order to remain as ethical as possible in my interactions with my fellow humans.
(Unless, perhaps, you are the unfortunate driver to have me as a passenger post-symphony vino, and for that, I apologize. But in all seriousness, I do advocate following Kylie on Snapchat, her cosmetic line is on point.)
Until next time, xx
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Discussing Race & Racism With Your Black Friends: Dos & Don'ts
6 Ways Allies Still Marginalize People of Color- and What to Do Instead
5 Initial Ways You Can Be a Better Ally to People of Color
6 Ways to Be a Better Ally to People Living With Disabilities
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